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Brigits_flame: Week two just for fun.
fineenglishtea

Title: How does it open?
Prompt: How does it open?
For: [info]brigits_flame 
Rating: PG
Genre: Poetry
Word Count: 211
Warnings: None
A/N: Unbetaed, it is bound to have errors!

How does it open? Over the years you manage to build up your walls, cemented together to hold,
Slowly one brick becomes loose and the windows begin to let in the cold,
As they read the lines that you have written, a little crack starts to appear,
Everything that you believed in the past gets questioned and becomes unclear.

A hold of their hand is another wrinkle, A kiss on their lips is another word said,
Too scared to turn the page but you don’t want you’re story to appear unread,
There is no hiding away when your naked body is bare,
The flaws are now apparent as you become more aware.

Your words are read, judged and eaten, each chapter is complimentary and unflattering,
The paper smells aged and the words are there for scattering.
The lies are tragic but the truth is unbelievable, another brick falls,
You feel safe and the adventure begins, you let down the walls.

The bricks have collapsed, the windows are open and your flaws are seen,
Those secrets are standing where your door should have been,
Placing sentences of your memories together from those words that were taught to you by your mother,
Its’ the end of the chapter but you’re excited for another.

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Flows like rain falling down a window, honest bare and beautiful <3

Reading through this, I can tell that you do hold promise for poetry. Rhyming poetry is hard to do without making it seem twee or sacrificing quality in order to make things rhyme, but you do it quite well.

My favourite lines:
"The paper smells aged and the words are there for scattering." - The image of words ready to be thrown out to germinate and foster other words of their own is carefree and hopeful; conversely, the words could also be "scattered" by people taking them out of context and blowing apart the original meaning. Just a really cool sentence.

"Those secrets are standing where your door should have been" - The image of vulnerability and nakedness is powerful.

Overall it was a unusual subject to pick whilst at the same time being something everyone can relate to. You have talent for forming poetic imagery.

Thankyou so much :)

I shall continue to enter each week on here & carry on writing poetry.

You have given some good advice, thankyou again :)

Well, hello, FET! I’m Toxic and I’ll be taking on your edit for this week. It’s wonderful to meet you and, can I just say, I love your name! Well, I love drinking your name I guess is more accurate, but still.

Anyway, the way I roll with the editing machine is this: I go line-by-line through the entry, commenting on not only what needs a good prodding but also what makes is particularly brilliant. I cover everything from grammar and spelling to creative choices and storyline. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m here to help you.

So, let’s get to it:

[How does it open? Over the years you manage to build up your walls, cemented together to hold,
Slowly one brick becomes loose and the windows begin to let in the cold,]

It is a super tricky thing to pull off a rhyming poem and do it well. Sometimes it comes across a little amateurish, especially with some of the more difficult rhyming words. However … you’re doing it wonderfully well! A good rhyming poem shouldn’t feel forced or unnatural; yours doesn’t. It’s very effortless. Really, fantastic job!

[As they read the lines that you have written, a little crack starts to appear,]

Nice! Love the imagery here. I think the one thing I’m not sure works, and this goes for the entire piece, are all the commas at the breaks. While it does help better emphasize the rhyme, the lack of variance is also just a little stale and patternistic. Some variety in line ending would help create “texture” while reading. It’ll allow you to change the rhythm subtly, emphasize and de-emphasize certain parts, and possibly strengthen an already strong piece.

[A hold of their hand is another wrinkle, A kiss on their lips is another word said,]

This line is beautiful. I think the only part that might need so tweaking is that comma/uppercase in the middle: :…wrinkle, A…. So far, the punctuation has been used correctly: capitalization after periods, commas (outside of the comment above) in the right place. This is the only spot I found reading it through the first time where the punctuation isn’t used correctly, so it reads like a mistake rather than an intentional, creative play. Consider making it either a semicolon (which I think would be best), a colon, or a period.

[There is no hiding away when your naked body is bare,]

Beautiful. That is a seriously raw line. There is a lot of vulnerability and emotion that comes through loud and clear. You are incredibly good at doing that. Well done!

[The paper smells aged and the words are there for scattering.]

Again, a very powerful line.

[The lies are tragic but the truth is unbelievable, another brick falls,]

Here, the comma after unbelievable would probably be better as a semicolon. I think that little extra pause caused by a semicolon would make this line stronger.

[Placing sentences of your memories together from those words that were taught to you by your mother,]

This is just a very small diction suggestion, but what do you think of saying Piecing sentences instead? With the imagery of being torn down just before and the part about memories together, it’s a nice contrast.

Overall Impressions:

Wow. Very, very good work. The flow from start to finish was solid, there was excellent transition in thought and mood. And the rhyming was incredibly well done. It was subtle, made sense, didn’t feel forced… That’s how rhyming poems should be done.

I really didn’t have much to critique for you. Just a few punctuation suggestions, but that’s it. Your line breaks were seamless, the flow between verses excellent. There were no spelling error and your word choice was spot on. I think your imagery is something familiar to readers, thus allowing better access to the emotional elements, but it was still fresh and certainly didn’t read recycled.

So, overall, I think you did a tremendous job this week and I can’t wait to read more from you. Cheers!

Thankyou very much for spending the time to go through my poem and letting me know where I done well and not so well, means alot to know that you enjoyed reading it.
I shall be writing some more and posting it on here.

Thankyou again and I hope that you're well and enjoying your sunday :)

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